as usual, the combination of valium and fentanyl did the job for my endoscopy (or rather esophagogastroduodenoscopy). because they don't use general anesthesia, there's some communication that can take place between patient and provider. also, in my case, the mid-op and post-op hilarity has to be told to me later. sue just went over everything she knew because i don't remember much.
in the procedure room, the nurse had cranked up the meds and i 
while under the influence i inserted the word "esophagogastroduodenoscopy" into almost every sentence. i don't recall doing that, but i know why i did it. when i scheduled the procedure and had googled it sufficiently, i had also made sure i knew the word. apparently i used it just before they inserted the 'bite block' in my mouth. i also tried to say it with the meds going full bore during the procedure. somebody must've asked me what i was saying because i remember working really hard to enunciate it with both a rubber bite-block in place and a long endoscope shoved down my esophagus into my stomach.
while laying on the gurney with the blood pressure and HR monitor attached i made the conscious decision to watch the HR and make it go up and down. i was at 52. i said to sue "watch this - 60 on the money" and proceeded to raise it to 60, stop and turn it around. i said "sub-50" and dropped it down to 47 at which point an alarm went off and the nurse came in. i was back at 50. she stared at the machine. i said "sorry, i was just doing this" and dropped it down to 47 again, at which point the alarm went off again. she reached over and yanked the little finger monitor thing off me, turned off the machine and hurried away. i said "bing" which was a reference to Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life" 
after getting off the gurney i tried to to put my shoes on over my hospital booties which were on over my socks. i eventually ended up removing the booties and sticking them in my back pockets of my jeans (one in each pocket). for some reason when i did this, i 'fluffed' them and pulled them to the side so they looked like little butt ears. at the time, sue did not ask me why. i didn't appear to be doing it to be funny. knowing me, i did it to make sure i was properly attired, like fixing one's tie.
as we left i approached the lovely nurse who'd taken my blood pressure pre-op and apologized for any inconvenience and/or filthy language. sue said she laughed really hard, but didn't elaborate. i don't remember talking to her.
after leaving the hospital, sue drove to the Sunoco station, got gas and went into the convenience store to pay, telling me to stay put. apparently i got out and wandered around inside the store. sue found me staring up towards the ceiling against a wall that had chips and beef jerky on shelves - but i was looking up high on the blank wall. a clerk was on the floor right next to me unboxing and stacking Pringles and looking nervously at me repeatedly because i was kind of looming over her. sue said "what are you doing, hon?" i said 
i stared at the products and distinctly remember thinking "where the fuck do they keep the fresh-baked stuff, not this Hostess crap?" but couldn't get my act together because the decision-action part of my brain wasn't fully thawed out. sue came by and said as much. apparently i pointed silently at a big fresh-baked cookie down the aisle. we went down there, with me still pointing. sue said "chocolate?". i said "unh-unh". she said "oatmeal raisin?". i said "oatmeal" and took one. she let me wander around the store looking for chocolate milk, which i found after reaching the conclusion that the store had no refrigerated cases - and saying as much: "what did they do with their refrigerator things?".
then i decided i wanted gum. this was not unexpected because i had noted on the way to the hospital that my supply of gum was dwindling. the gum rack posed a huge challenge because of the colors, variety and my personal preference for Trident 18-stick packs sweetened with xylitol. i had to lift the gum packs up to inspect them because the chiclet-style packs are thinner and my depth of field was uncalibrated. when i finally located the gum i wanted, they were all out in freshly opened cases and all the gum packs were packed flat so that no pack stood higher than the rest. it was like lifting a tile off a tile floor with no gaps between the tiles. i needed a pry bar or screwdriver or even a credit card to wedge them up. i ran my hand across the pack looking for any small crevice or deviation that i could find to pry one out. i tried a few times but made no progress. sue reached over and picked up a berry-flavored one for me. i thanked her, took it, and pointed to the spearmint box and said "one". she magically teleported them from my hands to hers.
in the car i ate my cookie and drank my chocolate milk. i have no idea what happened to the gum or how we got back into the car or even how we paid for anything. i saw the gum on the kitchen counter just now so it made it back.
i also remember pulling into the driveway. sue got out and went into the house. i sat in the car with the paper bag from the store and loaded it up with everything i could find on the car floor. when i got out of the car, the door wouldn't close. i messed with it for second and then wandered into the house, got a blanket and fell 
anything i emailed out just after noon should be forgiven. the following was my email (just before laying down on the floor) to the chair of the board of a committee i work on, complete with typos:
"ust got home from my esophagogastricduodenoscopy and the combination of valium and fentanyl is making it hard to stay awake and and type.
i'm goign down fo a nap and will not attend tonight's meeting. i'm quite sure by 6:30 i'd be pretty alert, but from the way i feeel now between now and thent hat's a lot to expect.
whoo. can barely type."
